paxislandsystem

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Being chronically ill to the extent that we are as kinda forced us to re-evaluate our entire religious and philosophical worldview.

We kinda always avoided thinking about what the meaning of life is until now, other than "the meaning of life is to figure out the meaning of life" or "the meaning of life is love" or "the meaning of life is helping people", but those thoughts have started to stress us out, since we can't really do any of those things anymore. I think a lot of this has to do with internalized ableism, because now we're wondering if the meaning of life can even be something that can be taken from you, like, is it even a matter of ability?

Also, I wonder if we've been treating this like it's a personal failure for one's life to have no meaning. I think we've been trying to figure out who we are to us and other people. Maybe it's that.

To reiterate, if the meaning of life is love, then what if you don't know how to love? If it's to help people, what about us disabled people who can't materially or even emotionally help people? Maybe we exist to help each other keep going. I'd much rather not think about the idea of us existing to give meaning to the lives of our parents, since we are our own people with our own autonomy. Additionally, do we exist as a sum total of all that we're given, or are we also the result of how we deal with that and how that manifests in our relationships with others? Intentions matter quite a bit, but actions are what the world sees, so what's more real? If you don't externalize your thoughts, actions and feelings, they die with you. I don't think the meaning of life is to leave behind a legacy. Kinda feels like a white supremacist way of thinking, but maybe my viewpoint is too narrow, being bodily 22 years old and also white myself.

I do think that has a lot to do with it as well. I think about the way that our roommate seems to love us despite our inability to reciprocate. I don't really understand how that works, because we grew up in a culture that demanded perfection and the ability to effectively utilize the social utility of "perfection", which we think is kinda just a fancy, vague way of describing what qualities and actions you must have and take to make yourself a utility of this fucked up, violent, racist system we live under.

Trying to figure out an objective meaning of life is also likely a byproduct of this, since objectivity is one of the many facets of white supremacist culture. I think, therefore, that the only constant about the meaning of life is that it isn't defined as what is true for everyone, and this whole thing has been fun but ultimately kinda a ridiculous use of spoons. Idk maybe we're nihilists lol

by carolynn, arden, zane, treeline

if I ever recover, I don't ever want to forget this experience. Right now, I've pushed myself so much and it's probably not helping that I'm typing this, but I have important things to
leave myself for later.

I am hearing my roommate practice the flute outside my room. Normally I'm unable to stand when people aren't good at music and I've always been so critical of myself for that,
but right now all I can think to myself is "It's so beautiful that she's learning"

the fact that we as a species are capable of creation is so wonderful and every second I'm deprived of it, the crippling angst of not being able to partake in art safely is replaced
by being thankful that I ever got to do it at all. Sometimes I'm so far away from accepting this disability, and on other days I'm grateful to feel the full spectrum of emotions when I can.

This world is so fucking hard on people like us. This is the kind of shit they hate to see.

I grew up not knowing what unconditional love was and oftentimes I still can't wrap my head around it because my brain so desperately wants to associate love with constant positivity,
and not dedication and hardship.

we live in a society that encourages us to be disconnected from our bodies. That's the one thing from MAST that stuck with me. We're encouraged to constantly collect more possessions,
to experience as many positive feelings as possible through all possible channels and senses. Societally, not that I claim to have coined this concept, we have forgotten how to be human
via the oversaturation of the human experience.

I've always felt the urge to look outward for connection and keep finding new people and art and that's why even though I've done everything I set out to do in the bay (play shows, have sex,
do drugs, make friends, make music, learn lessons, not in order of priority), I still haven't fully learned to settle with it. I never really consult myself because I'm afraid of my own
emotions.

I really want to talk to my roommate about Buddhism. Her worldview, based on what I know about it from her and other Buddhists I have talked to, seems to be really compatible with my current
needs at the moment. I think Luciferianism served to help me feel secure in my beliefs about the world as I knew it, but right now I am confronted with an entirely new world that will mostly
have to be spent experiencing what little is safe to experience in my energy envelope, instead of ruthlessly pushing forward and creating output.

We feel that maybe we defaulted to the usual habits of growing up in a christian society with that religious framework, and we often feel in our body and our past actions the urge to
run from old problems and make new ones elsewhere instead of fostering a long-term belonging. We were very self conscious of our role in gentrification when we moved to the bay,
but now we're able to accept our part in it and the colonial way we have been going about managing our problems on land that never belonged to us.