paxislandsystem

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Being chronically ill to the extent that we are as kinda forced us to re-evaluate our entire religious and philosophical worldview.

We kinda always avoided thinking about what the meaning of life is until now, other than "the meaning of life is to figure out the meaning of life" or "the meaning of life is love" or "the meaning of life is helping people", but those thoughts have started to stress us out, since we can't really do any of those things anymore. I think a lot of this has to do with internalized ableism, because now we're wondering if the meaning of life can even be something that can be taken from you, like, is it even a matter of ability?

Also, I wonder if we've been treating this like it's a personal failure for one's life to have no meaning. I think we've been trying to figure out who we are to us and other people. Maybe it's that.

To reiterate, if the meaning of life is love, then what if you don't know how to love? If it's to help people, what about us disabled people who can't materially or even emotionally help people? Maybe we exist to help each other keep going. I'd much rather not think about the idea of us existing to give meaning to the lives of our parents, since we are our own people with our own autonomy. Additionally, do we exist as a sum total of all that we're given, or are we also the result of how we deal with that and how that manifests in our relationships with others? Intentions matter quite a bit, but actions are what the world sees, so what's more real? If you don't externalize your thoughts, actions and feelings, they die with you. I don't think the meaning of life is to leave behind a legacy. Kinda feels like a white supremacist way of thinking, but maybe my viewpoint is too narrow, being bodily 22 years old and also white myself.

I do think that has a lot to do with it as well. I think about the way that our roommate seems to love us despite our inability to reciprocate. I don't really understand how that works, because we grew up in a culture that demanded perfection and the ability to effectively utilize the social utility of "perfection", which we think is kinda just a fancy, vague way of describing what qualities and actions you must have and take to make yourself a utility of this fucked up, violent, racist system we live under.

Trying to figure out an objective meaning of life is also likely a byproduct of this, since objectivity is one of the many facets of white supremacist culture. I think, therefore, that the only constant about the meaning of life is that it isn't defined as what is true for everyone, and this whole thing has been fun but ultimately kinda a ridiculous use of spoons. Idk maybe we're nihilists lol

Hey everyone, it's Ezra.

With our health kinda in the shitter at the moment (meaning, potentially forever), we've been spending a little extra time in our headspace, and I felt like sharing with you some details since we're proud of it.

Pax Island was created in 2019 by Madison before the schism that split her into Arden, Sal, Carolynn and Secret in 2025. It was designed as a place for her and her thoughtform, Artemis, to interact. The island is in a constant state of night, with dark blue emanating from the horizon and diminishing further upwards. It's covered in oak trees, and features a house that a grand majority of us headmates live in.

To start with, the house was small and more of a cabin, but as the headmate population grew, so did the house. It takes advantage of malleable spacetime rules to be able to house as many headmates as there are in the world, however a handful as of late have been finding other places to reside. More on that later. On the lower floor, there's the living room, the kitchen (very small because eating isn't necessary here), and a larger room just right of the living room from the entrance which can host concerts, but doesn't very often due to how much mental effort it takes to even enter headspace. There's a ladder going up to the top floor, which features a loft area with a guest bed to the left and to the right, a hallway of bedrooms that goes on for however many people there are. Last time we checked, there is a fronting room at the end, but we don't often use it.

There is also a mall on the north side of the island, which was one of the first things other than the house that Madison created back in 2019, for the express purpose of graffiti as an activity with Artemis. Nowadays we use it to get ice cream and do social things, but there's really only the ice cream parlor. Southeast of the mall is a submarine dock, also created in 2019. It hasn't been used in a couple years, however if memory serves me right there's a cat in there (an NPC) who mans the submarine and takes passengers on a short trip. Useful as an escape, I figure.

When Bentley formed in 2022, we discovered a monument in the middle of the island. It's an obelisk with stairways on all four sides of it leading down to a lower level, in the center of which there is a podium where some artifact probably stood. It used to also have a bunch of rooms and hallways, but they've since closed. Bentley is known to visit every now and then, as there is a connection between him and the monument that he hasn't really disclosed.

In 2023, Artemis built a treehouse right next to the house as an escape. It has a nice view of the northern half of the island.

We also have a movie theater where Briggs lives and watches whatever is onscreen with Bentley on the northwest side of the island. Just south of it is a playground which rarely sees occupancy and was discovered in 2022. Alex and Madison went on a date there once.

On the south end of the island is the recently discovered lighthouse, paired with a dock. It can be departed from, crossing the ocean floor where Blake lives, to Old People Island, inhabited just south of Pax Island by a headspace-originating species of humanoids called the old people, who resemble humans apart from having a range of characteristics associated with elderly humans from birth, and lacking visible eyes. One such old person, Geralt, lives on this island and operates the lighthouse on the north end. Geralt became a headmate upon extended contact with Sal and Treeline, who brought the knowledge of Old People Island to Pax Island's residents. Perhaps it was generated upon arrival, too, though.

Pax island's connectivity can be a problem at times, and has been that way even before we became disabled. Just now, Zane, Jax, Jessica, Carolynn and Myself were at the ice cream parlor before we were booted out of headspace. Additionally, our monoconsciousness can sometimes result in new headmates occupying the first person perspective, resulting in people spontaneously being teleported to the location of whoever was just fronting in headspace. We also sometimes have issues with the internal radio being louder than our speaking voices.

That being said, this place is our home and we're happy to inhabit it.